My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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