i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
