i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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