I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
