If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
