If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i've created a new STD.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
