when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
