I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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