I'm pants shitting drunk right now
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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