Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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