I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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