those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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