someone get that fucking seahorse.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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