if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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