so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
being pregnant is like rehab
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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