There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
