1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
