Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
