this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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