Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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