ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
