If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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