You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
