as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
