Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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