so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
40s are totally the cure
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
