The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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