true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
