I just saw a hot homeless man
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
