forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
