Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
