I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
