dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
someone threw a dead crab at me
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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