Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
