My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
