just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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