I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
