Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
