I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
