I skipped work to stalk him.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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