batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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