i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
