I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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