Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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