Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
