when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
