You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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