Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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