Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
