I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
