Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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