I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
