I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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