Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
