just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
