I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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