Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
